But if you murdered life that day, then i murdered love.
- and now i have to live without it.

God saw u getting tired and a cure was not to be. So he put his arms around u and whispered "come with me" With tearful eyes i watched u, and saw u pass away. Although i loved u dearly, i could not make u stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke my heart to prove to me, he only takes the best.

Loss is such a fucked up thing.

Daniel Guy Patterson "Patty"

Rest in peace. xXx



When thinking something bad about something or someone, and im in a crowd of people, 
i often catch myself before doing so and think really hard "if anyone here can read my mind, please turn around and look at me..." if no one looks, then i carry on with my bad thoughts...

I am a wuss. Im insecure and shy and hate most aspects of myself and most things in people i feel threatened by. I long to be the opposite of this. I would love to be confident again. Happy with who i am. Be sure of what i want in life and how to get it.
Be able to think with my HEAD and not my HEART.
Its difficult. A lot of people don't seem to care about what they do and who they hurt. Im not sure i can ever be that person. Ive always tried to make other people happy before myself, maybe that's where i have gone wrong?? But i love to help people. Love to see smiles on peoples faces. Its my biggest downfall. Im a wuss. And as a result ive let people walk all over me, use me, cheat on me, hit me and generally take me for granted. So i put up this front. Its always been there, its a defence. Intimidating and angry?? Im not at all. Not all the time anyway =)

ANYWAY 

Today i scared my little sisters friends. It made me happy. She was 13 today. All her friends are as mad as her of course. My dad asked me what i thought of this whole new generation. To be honest they were all acting and talking the same and about the same things that me and my friends would go on about at 13 years old. One of her mates burst out with "EVERYBODY HAPPYDANCE!" .... my mind was blown. Me and sam used to happy dance at school in year 8. Another was going on about how cool jackass was and another was rapping to eminem. I remember mum buying me the Marshall Mathers ep when i was in year 6 and being OBSESSED with eminem. Ergh caught my sister flirting. Made me want to give her a slap. But then i thought back to when i was her age... yeah not worth thinking about. Was discussing this with my dad on the way home in the car. I think he just excepted that i was a wild child by that point. I got away with too much shit as a young teen. Drinking, smoking pot, underage sex. But that was the norm at the time. Maybe it still is. Really not worth thinking about. Hmm im hungry. Time for some food for thought. A sandwich.

golf is boring and mini golf is frustrating.

happinesss

listening to drum and bass feels like im falling into a trance.
what happens when i listen to trance??
im chatting shit, but i guess this is what this is for. 
my own benefit anyway.
argh im not feeling this, i may go treat myself to a nice sandwich seeing as i have managed to keep off the bread for about a week now. (not including burgers omg.)
then i shall see if i have any inspiration..

I'm not sure your meant to feed people like me after midnight... 

seriously though i hear a great way to loose weight is to stop eating after 8 o clock in the evening. coz everyone loves those night time snacks. im a sucker for sandwiches. AND CRACK according to my friend Jeshua. its not true. i don't enjoy crack cocaine. not even on weekends.

Today has been a positive day. Went to bed happy. Woke up happy. I love it when days like that come around. and im not gonna lie, they dont come about for me very often.


i think everything is just in your mind. i read this tiny book once called the little book of happiness. i found it while i was sunbathing whilst on holiday in Crete. It tells you how you should look at things and certain parts of it i have remembered and do use when needs be. or when i remember anyway.. im gonna have to fish it out.

"Stay in the moment! Happiness can only exist in the present...
In the here and now of your life.
Happiness only exists in the present moment.
And in the very place where you are.
This is a beautiful and simple idea. "

its been so long

i feel like im in that movie jamanji...
i can hear drumming and my bedroom light is flickering to the beat of the drumming. its quite freaky...

well its good to be back in the world of blogspot, it really has been years since i used this.
too much has changed to explain it all. well too many events have sucked me in and shat me out the other side i would have thought id have become a completely different person that the one i was when i was 16 years old. but no, reading back on my old blogs i dont think much has changed. im still shy inside and riddled with a depression that just wont go away.

im gonna make changes. i dont think it will make much of a difference.

i read a blog today that got me thinking alot about life.. how we only have a short one and what if our life was a movie or a book... would we be content with ourselves as we are the main character. what would we like to have happen in this story?

im gonna start living i think. ive been so so down recently ive been considering anti depressants again.
atm i would rather feel nothing that feel as bad as i do. but im going to start looking at my life. see what i can do to change things, try not to think about things as much as i do. try to live without hate or regret. live for myself and stop worrying so much about other people. chances are i wont know them in a few years time, and the ones i do still know wont remember the stupid things. so time to get a bit crazy.

saying that i just got back from a wicked holiday in cornwall. me my cousin and my friend who was over from germany went off for the weekend. it was great fun esp the last day we were there we made friend with the barmaid. we all got drunk and went skinny dipping in the sea late at night and the barmaid peirced my ears without me even thinking about it. this is what i want from life now. impulses and going through with them.

and on that note im gonna get out of my bed, go for a shower and go to town and meet some people.
coz ive done nothing but mope around all day. and i need some company.


not a very interesting or sophisticated first blog back but i dont care.

cherrio