We Found Love...

"Its like you are screaming, and no one can hear.
You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important,
that without them you feel like nothing.
Noone will ever understand how much it hurts.
You feel hopeless. Like nothing can save you.
And when its over and its gone,
you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back,
so that you could have the good."

The Life of my Malteser.

There's this malteser right, when I'm waiting for the bus from my boyfriends house. Its sat on the pavement by the bus stop, and its been there for about a week.

The first day i saw it, i was walking down to catch the bus, and i saw it, and as i sometimes do with some things that i walk up to, i gave it a little kick. And it rolled along, to where its been sat ever since. Over the last week it has gone from looking like a perfect malteser, like the one you would find in a bag, lovely and round and covered in chocolate, crunchy looking - just perfect, to a weathered old piece of dog turd.

Over the days, the weather has been shocking. It has rained, its been windy, the mornings have been icy cold, there has been little to no sun (not that that would have helped anyway.)

The malteser has weathered. :(

It has shrunken. Its shape has changed into a more lumpy kinda sphere, chocolate is missing from its surface, it looks trampy..
Staring at my malteser as i awaited the bus for my journey home, i couldn't help but think -

It may look like a poor excuse for a malteser now, but its had a longer life than any other malteser that just sits in a bag then gets scoffed down, unappreciated with its chocolaty brothers.

I LOVE

Clicking my ankles.

I HATE

Clicking my knees.

"The Lowest Ebb Is The Turning Of The Tide..."

 "Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Movember.

Im not sure who started this but it has become a huge hit with my male friends. I first heard about it when someone i met at sonisphere - one of kats friends - john had announced it. I had heard the bad news that he had had to have lumps removed from his testicles a couple of months ago, this stuck with me as my fella had to have a couple of cists removed too and it scared the shit out of me.

ANYWAY this movember movement is basically the lads all growing mustaches over the month of november (i think) to raise money for testicular cancer research. I think tom is doing it unintentionally, his tash had gotten well long.

I feel like i may as well be a part of this. My legs havnt seen a razor in about a week. Ive had that before, coincidentally at sonisphere, by the last day i was wearing tights and i could see the hairs poking through.

Anyone interested in joining in on this, heres the website.

http://uk.movember.com

An unusual feeling kreeping upon me.

The feeling of wanting to dominate, in all senses i wanna get dressed up in some seriously sexy PVC, and hand out a serious spanking to whomever i desire.

Pervy. I'm often a bit of a perve. I like to think when in a relationship where i feel comfortable with someone i can be quite experimental and naughty... The ex would back me up on that.

I have a childish mind when it comes to adult jokes. I find innuendos hilarious where as some would find that immature. Especially when hearing a comment that wasn't intended to be an innuendo... Those are the best, the unintentional giggles.

Kev said something at work the other day which i misheard as treacle sponge with cum on. I ended up having a giggle fit and everyone was very confused. I felt like a right spacker but had to explain what i was laughing about and when i did, Kev said " i thought you heard me say that instead of blah blah blah" so i felt better that i wasn't the only one who thought it was funny.

Just Today.

I woke up, in bed alone. unusual. i haven't been sleeping well. waking up at all hours of the night. i must have finally drifted off allowing him to quietly climb out of bed and go for his morning shower before work. Loki was asleep next to me. this too is unusual recently as he is favouring tom and much rather scratch the shit out of me for no foreseeable reason. i woke up again when he walked back in the room. i don't remember much i was exhausted from waking up in pain in the night. he went to work.
i tried to go back to sleep and failed.
i must have lay there in the half asleep half awake phase for at least an hour before brad came noisily barging in whilst on the phone to tom. i was more annoyed that he hadn't knocked the door than the fact that he clearly wasn't bothered by how loud he was being. i could have been naked or anything >=[
he left. i heard radburn get up. i hadn't even heard him come home last night after his day or two at Laura's. i think i had noticed that his door was shut when i got up in the night.
i heard radburn and brad talking in radburns room before radburn shouted good morning to me. we exchanged how are yous and asked him where he had been and when he said around i suggested he had been at Laura's. I'm glad they are getting along again if nothing else. i lay in bed for a bit doing some sketches of Alice in wonderland.
i heard brad leave the house so i got up, had a smoke with radburn and watched a TV show about zombies. after, i fed Loki and myself then went to get dressed. when i came back downstairs brad was back and him and radburn were arguing about who was going to play on the PC. brad argued that it was his PC and his games and radburn argued that it was his house and his electricity. radburn won of course. i left them to it and went to catch the bus. just as i got to the bottom of the street the number ten drove past. my heart sank as i thought about all the times i had been at the bus stop on time and the bus had been very overdue. so i would most likely have a long wait for the next one. just a bit of luck as i got to the bus stop another number ten turned the corner and it was empty. i do love an empty bus. no screaming babies, no chavs with their loud music, no Indians sitting next to you who smell very curry like. no drunks shouting obscene comments about cats. i went up to the top of the bus as usual, to my dismay there were three school kids. two lads at the back of the bus, playing music and talking in poor slang in an attempt to be cool. and the third was an uncomfortable looking girl, a little chubby, sat right at the front, in the same uniform as the two boys. i would have guessed these kids to be 13 at most. i sat staring out the fogged up window, doing everything i could to block out the two boys who were pretty much shouting. eventually i clocked on to them shouting what i thought i heard was "Leanne....LEANNE!!!" i refused to turn around even though somewhere in the back of my head i was wondering how they must have known me. they kept shouting and i kept ignoring them, eventually i heard one of the boys say, "hey Leanne, nice treads" and snigger. so i turned around to look at them, they both went quiet. i didn't recognise either of the two boys, so puzzled i turned again to face the front. they carried on chatting away and i carried on blocking them out, staring out the window into the drizzly and gloomy world of Coventry city center which i would soon have to be walking through. next thing i knew i was hearing my name again, but the boys where shouting "bye Leanne" and some generally cheeky and rude comments. i looked up to see the little girl getting ready to walk down the stairs and as she went she stuck her middle finger up at the two boys. that must have been Leanne. i got off the bus, walked to the train station. everyone i walked past looked intimidating. one man was giving me unnecessarily long eye contact as i approached him. he looked like a hit man from a movie. intimidating yet good looking. someone you wouldn't mind being held hostage by. then again i always thought i would be the type to have Stockholm syndrome. i did one of those awkward little dances with another man. you know the ones you do when your approaching someone and they are dead in front of you and you don't know whether to go left around them or right, and they do the same. and all that can be said is "sorry" followed by an awkward snigger. well this happened. only after he decided to walk around me from my right, he stuck out his arm on the opposite side so that i was to walk into it. i had to stop in my tracks or get clothes lined (i think that's the phrase) by a total stranger!!! Prick.
i got to the station, had to buy a train ticket for once as there were people stood checking. i got my ticket, went outside for a smoke, but really didn't enjoy it so only had half. (this has been happening alot recently which is also very odd for me. i cant decide whether my body is telling me i need to quit smoking, or whether i just don't like sterling as much as Richmond's)
i noticed the woman checking tickets at the barrier bitching about the general public. i wondered how she got that job and why. i caught my train in good time and found a seat opposite a good looking couple. i thought they must be students. they had the studenty look about them. clean cut and intelligent looking. they were messing around with their empty coffee cardboard cups. i got quite interested in watching them for some reason. i do this alot on trains. a couple of days before i was sat listening to some Indian students talking about marriage and equalities. i noticed the girl had henna on her left hand. this stood out to me because i had noticed another woman in town with henna on her hand too, and there was also another woman in the train sat a few seats back with henna on her left hand. i wondered what was going on in their culture and got quite a jealous feeling that i wanted to be part of something and have henna on my hand too. anyway i digressed.
The two good looking students were making each other roses. well the girl was trying and the boy was succeeding. he never stopped smiling. i think any man in the world who was sat with a woman as beautiful as the one he was sat with would have a permanent smile too.
i went home. from here on out it just gets even more dull.
so dull i don't even remember any tiny stupid details on anything. my mother was waiting in the car for me at the train station when i arrived. i got in. we drove half way home when we caught up with my sisters school bus, so we parked up and waited for her to get dropped off. she got in the car, we drove home. i ate some chicken tikka which was lush. then i went to work. nothing interesting at all happened. geeky tattoo man didn't come in. me and Vikki just got on with work and didn't really laugh about much. the only half entertaining thing that happened was - i made Karl's dinner and left it where everyone collects their food. where he always collects his food. and when he came to get it, it was gone. we all looked shocked and Karl stormed off and came back saying he thought someone was eating his meal. i told him to go get it, how dare they take what was rightfully his, and without paying. i was most gutted that i had made it look pretty decent even after burning the toast. we were all shocked that someone had taken his meal so i set about putting more bacon on to do him another, when ray came out just as Karl was walking away and shouted him to come back, after which he reached up on top of the water boiler and covered in tin foil - was Karl's dinner. everyone was pretty much pissing themselves. which goes to show how boring our kitchen is.
that was it. a plain boring shift. i went home. had an interesting video chat with my ex over msn. i do miss him alot. started downloading some more music and that was that, which brings me up to now. and now i have eaten my sandwich, written this rubbish long blog of drivel, i am going to attempt to play some xbox, possibly read some of the Alice in wonderland book that my grandad lent me ages ago, and try to get some half decent sleep.

sorry again blogger for unleashing the boredom that is my life upon you again.
goodnight.

This I Will Be Getting

I dont care who has designed this,
who has it
or who will see this and also want it i WILL be getting this...
I dont care how shit and insignificant this may be to anyone.
i LOVE this.

The last 2 weeks and how ive gone CRAZY

Ive gone mad today.

Ive been chatting away to myself like a right little weirdo. I used to do this as a kid when i would go out playing in the feilds behind my house, pretending i was an adventurer or something.
Today the erge to collect things from around my house to take to toms house (where im currently spending all of my time) has overwhelmed me. Ive had to talk my way through it, to convince myself that im not stealing. I dont really consider it as stealing. I would call it hoarding. Just taking stuff from the house ive always lived in, to the house that i currently live in. It gives me a magical feeling inside. Like i am gathering for my little families surival. My packs survival.

I collected some food together, just a couple of tinned foods and some packets of noodles and soup that were already mine anyway. Oh and a couple of onions as we are running low. I found a small jar of sugar hidden away in the back of a cupboard, and there is loads of sugar here. I picked out one of my favorite mugs and filled it with teabags and packets of instant hot chocolate. I roumaged through the bathroom and took a packet of face wipes. I also found an old tin of catfood. Loki will apreciate that.

Next i got onto the bigger things that i really did have to talk myself through, a large bottle of reserve port, a bottle of mulled wine and a small bottle of whiskey. It couldnt be helped. I could feel myself reverting into my old ways. But all i could think about is how this would benefit being at toms house - our home - so much more. Here these things would be appreciated much more and would be used.

I talked my way through packing these things, and how to pack them in the cleverest possible way, so that the bottles would not knock together and A) break and B) give insight to my parents that i had taken these things.

I cant wait to finish work tonight and get all this stuff back to Toms. I packed up some insence and nice candles, all my makeup and creams that i need. I told myself where i was going to put these things when i got them to the house. Lots of stuff would be kept in the bathroom, i dont want to clutter up toms room with lots of my girly things. There isnt enough room and i dont think he would appreciate it.

Work.
Kelly and her fat arse have left for good. She deffinatly must have been sick of doing that floor. I never really enjoyed working with kelly. Her bum intimidated me and she was constantly moaning that she was tired or felt sick. Now she is gone. And i have done the dreaded floor which i have been so good at avoiding. But out of my own choice. And not just the once, 4 days in a row!!!
Even when kevin got back from his 4 week holiday from thailand. He offered and everything. And i just carried on. And ive done it twice since then, but that wasnt my choice. We were just too busy.

Mr tattooed geek man keeps coming in, and ive learnt that viki - although she is a lesbian - she fancies him! She flirts with him like a motherfucker. I love how confident she is. She has a way with words. So now Mr tattooed geek man gawks at the both of us. I LOVE working with Viki. She is just such a laugh, so much fun to be around and ALWAYS happy. =D


Halloween.
Halloween was such a big hit. I was organising to go to a secret in the stix rave. Eventually though loads of people bailed and it was just me and luke left. So we decided to just go to the usual drinking place of the Campbell (aka the shambles) and it was pretty good. I "borrowed" a tshit off brad and ripped it up, covered it in ketchup, ribina and fake blood. I lent Luke my Pikachu onsie which was a huge hit :) Painted me and lukes faces white with huge black eyes and corvered our faces, arms and legs in fake blood. I think i did a pretty good job. The we necked off a big bottle of vodka and went on our merry way. I dont remember much of the night but i got some pretty good pictures and here are some of my favorites to sum it up :)

An insight to me due to boredom

a. Ever been so drunk you blacked out? i have indeed

b. Put a body part on fire for amusement? burnt my arm a couple of times. Set my mums sock on fire once for no apparent reason. 

c. Kept a secret from everyone? I have done but a couple of people know and i try to be honest.

d. Wanted to hook up with a friend? Sure ;)

e. Ever thought an animated character was hot? Sure i enjoy hentai and who doesn't want a prince charming??

f. Had a New Kids on the Block tape? Nope

g. Been on stage? yeah at clubs and gigs and things, dancing and being a drunken fool generally

--------------Favourites-------------

a. Shampoo? is pink and my conditioner is blue.

b. Soap? sanex for my overly sensitive skin.

c. Day/Night? I love the night time, the moon, the stars, especially when I'm sat on the beach.

d. Colour? greens, purples and pinks, blues. Oranges yellows and reds. I don't like one colour on its own, i like when colours blend and seeing different shades.

 
e. Summer/Winter? i love the summer, it holds so many memories of sitting around with friends laughing and relaxing. But there is something so much more atmospheric about the winter. And its always lovely to have a boyfriend in the winter who you can cuddle up with and watch the snow fall outside the bedroom window.

f. Fave TV series? without a doubt it has to be Black Books.

g. Fave Food? Has to be chow mien, curry, fajitas, lasagna, spag bol, angel delight.

 

h. Fave Advert? I'm sure there's been some funny ones but its been a while since I've really watched any TV so i cant remember.

i. Fave Movie? The Fifth Element. How to train your Dragon. Blues Brothers.

----------RIGHT NOW----------

a. Wearing? A grey Rolling Stones t shirt, black shorts, odd socks.

b. Eating? Nothing but I'm bloody starving so i may go cook some breakfast.. maybe a triple fried egg chili chutney sandwich...

c. Hair is? A tangled mess that needs recolouring.

d. Drinking? Nothing, but i fancy a cup of tea.

e. Thinking about? How i need to sneeze real bad, I'm hungry and i need to hang my washing out and buy some hair dye. Also quite worried about the boyfriend who is having some health issues at the moment.

f. Listening to? I can hear a tractor on the farm, a cockerel down my garden, the far away sound of an aeroplane, and my keyboard tapping away.

g. Talking to? No one currently. Maybe myself in my head?

--THE LAST 24 Hrs-----------

a. Cried? yes i think so, i think it was because my blood sugar was close to non existent and i was soooo hungry it was making me miserable.

b. Meet any new friends? no, not really, me and Viki got chatting to some random man at work yesterday but i will never see him again and wouldn't class him as a friend anyway.

c. Cleaned your room? This is the first time I've been in my actual room in about 2 weeks, i didn't even sleep in here last night i slept in my sisters room with her. My room is a tip, i can barely climb into my bed!!

---------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------

a. Yourself? Yes, sometimes. I consider myself emotionally screwed up, and weak and a push over a lot of the time, but when i think about the biggest drama that's happened in my life, i should be a lot worse, if i can keep going through that, i think I'm OK.

b. Your friends? Most of them. But then again many have betrayed their worth of trust so i always keep an open mind, but i always believe in the power of other people.

c. Santa Claus? No. However i do believe i was happier at Christmas when i did believe. It made it more magical. So i believe that the thought of Santa clause is important and brings joy to so many kids.

d. Tooth Fairy? Never really believed in the tooth fairy. My sister did up till about last year, and she is 12! She would write notes to the tooth fairy bless her.

e. Destiny/Fate? I'm not sure. Some things make me think yes that is too weird it must have happened for a reason, or someone must have known that would happen, but i think we create our own destiny and we have to work on it.

f. Angels? I don't think so. I think there are some very special people in this world who might as well be angels.

g. Ghosts? Sometimes

---------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------

a. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yes. His name is Tom. Or Thomoose. Or Tom Bear.

b. Who have u known the longest of your friends? Ray. We have been best friends since primary school. I don't see her as much as i would like to these days. Ever old friends can let each other down. I'm grateful for the true friends that i have.

c. Who's the shyest? Rob.

d. Who's the craziest? Patty would have been. I think ill leave it at that.

 

e. Who do you go to for advice? my ex Lewis.

f. When do you cry the most? When I loose trust and faith in people.

I searched, I found.

Litterally seconds after posting my last blog about how there were no interesting blogs out there i found one.
And i have stolen a little peice which has touched me. It was sent to this blogger from another. And i believe these wise words should be shared for anyone who may stumble across my blog, and for me to read again and be inspired. Sorry for the theft.



""I don’t think people who are deeply wounded by another ever really forget. Their trust, their innocence, has been betrayed and leaves a permanent mark.


I think very few, if they are honest with themselves can say that there is a way to return to the Eden of their original innocence before the betrayal, which is what it means to truly forget. A residual impurity remains, a scar on our hearts where the light no longer shines through. Some call it wisdom or consciousness but is it? If we “chalk something up to experience” have we really moved on? Alternatively if we do something to the person that hurt us does it really bring justice?


Perhaps the key is how we allow the experience to affect our “self”. By forgetting or attempting to bring justice do we create a barrier that keeps the soul outside of the self? It is a dangerous place to be…to separate from the source. We feel weak because we can’t feel whole, so we search and connect with false power sources that spread inside us like a virus fueled by stealing the light out of our soul.


As you say in ‘By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept’ once exiled from the promise land, there is no way “to prevent the suffering of someone who wishes to return to paradise before it is time to do so.” And as Carl Jung says, in the ‘Red Book’ “Should I tell you everything that I have seen, experienced, and drunk in? Or do you not want to hear about all the noise of life and the world? But one thing you must know: the one thing I have learned is that one must live this life.”

We live with it because we have no choice. I cannot forget and I will not attempt to bring justice. Who am I to judge right from wrong or attempt to change things from unfolding as they should? Compassion is what I want to feel, for myself, for him, for everyone that takes risks and experiences the pain. Perhaps it is through compassion that I will find my way back to the source and once there, stay connected, give it light, bring light to other dark places inside and outside of my self. That is why I am still here. Nothing else matters except faith and compassion and knowing the truth: that “I must live this life”, that there is no other way.""

Blogger Confusion

Where can i find the interesting blogs to read?
I think I've only ever come across two at most that i have read and thought "yes, i wouldn't mind reading more of this". Every time i click on next blog and scan through it comes up with blogs from crazy god obsessed Americans, middle aged women with nothing better to do that blog about quilts, and now - just today, every blog I've looked at seems to be about cancer, chemotherapy and there was one advertising a funeral home.
THIS IS NOT WANT I WANT TO BE READING AT 9AM ON A THURSDAY MORNING!!!
How depressing. I want to read about how other peoples lives are the same as mine, how complete strangers worry and experience the same things as me, i want to read about something comical that happened in someones day.
I know my blog is nothing to go by and is just a load of boring random crap that comes straight to my head and isn't pre meditated or thought about at all to make it witty and interesting like I'm sure some people must do, I'm afraid I'm just not that clever. And this isn't for anyone Else's benefit but my own anyway I'm rambling and boring myself. I shall keep hunting.

Wow its a nice day outside. It's sunny. The clouds have been moving unusually fast for a day that doesn't appear windy. I can tell because the tree at the bottom of the garden isn't going crazy. I can't wait to see snow on that tree. Tom suggested the world was spinning too fast to explain the clouds. I said that explained his poor balance and my clumsiness. If I wasn't so knackered from waking up from bad dreams at 5am for the last 4 days in a row, I'd most likely get up and do something productive today.

Curry for breakfast again =D I wonder if I'm turning into an Indian? Curry is becoming an obsession at the moment. Do Indians eat food other than curry? They don't seem to, they always smell of curry, and talk about it or are cooking it on the tv, in documentaries or films and stuff. Maybe its the media?.. I wonder if its part of their religion. If I had a religion I would eat lasagna and steak and angel delight all day long. I guess curry has more varieties though so you would never get bored. Clever Indians.

Loki has been up to no good again this morning. He usually is. Hmm he has gone quiet, this worries me. Usually if he's being quiet its when he's asleep on me. z z z z Z Z

The Blond Child And The Black Man...

Yesterday after going to do some shopping with the boyfriend (we bought pizza ingredients, red wine, wine glasses and had an Italian night) we came home from town on the bus. Tom was sat facing forwards and i was sat opposite facing backwards. Behind tom sat a black man, must have been about 40, he looked quite friendly but serious. Behind this man sat a small blond girl. She was very cute, had huge blue eyes and long blond hair, i later found out that she was 4 years old. She seemed very intelligent for a 4year old, she was chatting away to this man, and he was chatting away to her, as if they had known each other for years, all her life most likely. He seemed just like a father figure to her as they argued about whether or not it was still raining outside, arguing about their ages and various childish banter. I thought maybe he had adopted her or something, they got along so well, just like father and daughter, or an uncle and niece. Anyway after about 10 mins the man rang the bell on the bus, got up and walked off, leaving the little girl at the back of the bus. Both me and tom were a little shocked and laughed to each other about how they sounded like they had known each other for years.
next thing we knew, the little blond girl was asking me to move my shopping bags from the seat beside me and was climbing up onto the chair to sit with us. It was one of those moments me and tom looked at each other and could tell we were both thinking the same thing, who the hell is this kid and where is her parents?! The tiny girl introduced herself to me, told me her name and age, informed me where she had to get off the bus, she told me about her day at school and how another child in her class had pinched her on the arm so she had told the teacher. This kid had clearly never been taught not to talk to strangers. Finally when it got to her stop her mum shouted to her from the front of the bus and she said goodbye and left. Me and Tom were astounded.

My Cat Is Amazing, He Can Play The Guitar...

So i finally have my kitty. He is bloody adorable. Everything you would want in a tiny cat. He is mischievous (which suits him down to the ground as his name is Loki, - Norse God of Mischief) He is tiny and so pretty he has these beautiful makings on him and the most beautiful eyes. He sleeps in the bed with me and tom, curled up between us both. He nestles into my hair and he purs and talks. Oh dear i love this little squish way too much. Tom loves him too, which is really great :) Loki is like our little baby. Tonight is the first night i will be spending in my own bed all alone in quite some time =/ i miss Tom and Loki already. I just txt Tom to see how they are doing, he informed me that they are ok and fell asleep together on the kitchen floor. That is really cute.

Today i am feeling a little worse for wear. Its for the best that i am spending the night in my own house. A few things happened last night which i wouldn't like to go into again merely because i don't want to think the words that were said to me ever again. Safe to say i lost alot of respect for someone close to me and my memories and pain was dragged up and thrown in my face like i deserved to feel as much pain as it caused me.

I'm paranoid again. I need to get confident in myself. But damn that is difficult when you've been taken for a mug so many times. Who's to say it wont happen again? erghh.
never mind, i have my lovely little cat. I get to spend more time with tom I'm hoping that's a good thing. I hope he really does take me to Lincoln for Christmas.

I want kittie snuggles. =^.^=

Things of which i am addicted to.

Nicotine.Facebook.
My Phone.And now....?
BLOGGING.

GOD DAMN YOU WORLD OF BLOGGER! If i am awake at night and dont have access to my laptop i get so damn edgy. When im walking down the street or sat on the bus or a train and i think of something that amuses me or something i want to remember or see something weird or wonderful in a shope all i wish to myself is that i had blogger so i could write it down right then and there. I am addicted. I think about blogging all day long. But when it comes down to it, i dont really have much to say. I am annoyed at myself.

So whats on my mind at the moment?

The dog is stabbing me in the ass with her feet, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and stretches i think she is doing it on perpose

I feel like ive ben living at my boyfriends house too much and im pissing him off. however he does give me mixed messages when he says things to me like "when are you gonna move your stuff in then?" and "when are we getting this kitten then?"

my ex is always bloody talking to me. i dont mind because its nice to have some conversation and we have always got along really well, always comfortable to talk to him, but sometimes he says things which implies that he is just looking for a conversation to wank over. this makes me so uncomfortable :(

i really really need to clean my guinea pigs out, and my fish, and get my fish a new light.

 oooooh ooooooooh gettting a ginger kitty on saterday hopefully. Im well excited but he will be living at my boyfins house and i wont be there all the time to look after him =/ i hope tom and radburn dont start hating him and want to get rid of him because i cant have him live at my house.

my mother just informed me that her head is falling off. i recomend she goes to bed and sleep it off.

What a difference a day makes, 24 little hours.

Yesterday seemed again to be one of the worst days I've had in a while.
Everything was against me. My luck, my sanity, my fella and it was bloody freezing. My clumsiness isn't getting any better either. My itunes has deleted half of my music and the Internet is being so slow. Its OK, these are only small things. But anyway i was in a fairly shitty mood yesterday right up until about 1am. After falling out with the boyfriend over some random crap i decided to go over to cov and see him. He let me in without a word and went up to bed. We were awkward and silent for an hour or so and i was fairly upset, as i had brought with me a fair bit of money for him to help him sort out some debt. Anyway this morning was finally better. We woke up happy and cuddling. Woke Radburn up as i was a little noisy... =P then we got up and walked to the laundrette, did some washing, a little shopping for things around the house, bought some chips and lay in bed munching the chips. This is a good day for me :) i enjoyed it thoroughly. Me and radburn had a fight with foamy the wibbler and the fish slice again. Last time we did that we were pissed, turned all the lights off in the house, put on sunglasses and ran around the kitchen beating eachother up. That night ended up with radburn stood in the girls cubicle of the oak taking a piss whilst i attempted to do a line of coke before tiny the bouncer kicked us out. Then a coked up journey to rileys which we broke in through the back as it was about 5am on a Sunday hahaha.

We are getting a kitten on Saturday. I really cant wait. Ive fished out loads of old stuff like litter and a litter tray, some cat food, a blanket and pillow ect. I'm so excited XD

Kelly and her fat bum have left work. She was most likely sick of doing the floor all the time. Its OK, we have a new girl. I say girl she is older but her bum ain't so huge so its all cool. Vikki decided to tell me how her and her girlfriend spent £70 on a strap on. I love Vikki she makes me laugh and she is always happy and singing loud. She has an incredible voice. And whenever she is really getting into telling me something funny, she has a weird little eye twitch. This confuses yet amuses me no end.

My mum makes the best chow mien. Today is defiantly better than yesterday :)

I am feeling rather backwards.

I have an erge to cut myself a fringe and to watch star wars.

Seems im the luckiest girl in the world...

And i have come to this conclusion because i have been living with three amazing men - two of which happen to be two of my very best friends and the other whome i love with all my heart and snuggles me all night long. These three men LOVE to cook. Not only that, they are bloody fantastic at it. Two of them make a living from cooking. The other, well lets just say he likes his food.

So after watching a Disney film bout a mouse who is really good at cooking, and from living in a house full of men who love to cook, it would appear i want to learn how to do a bit of cooking of my own. My mum makes this amazing tomatoe paste stuff which i am making her show me how to do. And for some obscene reason (because its my least favorite meal in the whole world) i would love to learn how to cook a sunday roast. Just so that i could do a lovely meal for my boys.

This isnt like me in the slightest. I dont get all nesty and broody or whatever the phrase is that im looking for.

i need a nap.

A Thought Whilst Taking A Shower...

Do we have noses that are shaped the way they are, so that if we are stood in the shower and looked up, we wouldnt get water going into our brains?

I just cant switch off.

I feel like i have a lot to blog about today. Although i really don't have much to say at all. I just feel the need to get things down, maybe so i have something to look at in the future, or maybe just to try and empty my head of thoughts before attempting to fall asleep.
I find it difficult falling asleep. Theres always too much on my mind. nothing of particular importance, i just find it difficult to switch off. How do you turn that internal monologue off??

So here are some sleepy scribbles as its 2am and im fairly knackered.

*Kelly left us in the shit at work today. i knew she was getting sick of doing that damn floor. haha well at least we were way too busy for either me or Marie to get round to doing it. thank god. i escaped the dreaded floor once again. I'm becoming a pro at this.*

*my sister has cut all her hair off. it looks quite cute unless she doesn't stile it. then it looks a bit boyish and a little like a mullet. still i think it suites her when she puts an Alice band in.*

*i miss Claudia rather a lot. my good old German buddy who never ceases to amaze me at how she can always put a smile on my face. we have so much fun when we are together. the two weeks she spent at mine where the best ever. i would almost say i felt like i had a sister but that's well out of order. my sister is a great sister. annoying. devilishly cute. loud. sister like i mean when Claudia was here it was like i had a very best friend.*

*Ive eaten a lot of scampi today. maria noticed too. every time i had to cook a scampi meal i would purposely put way too many scampi on a plate so that there were some left over that i could sneak later.

maria noticed me doing this and started doing it too and informed me that she had saved me some scampi's in the chip tray. <3 what a legend. i feel like i might turn into a cat any day now. with all this excitement of getting a new kitten at the boyfriends house. i want to be a kittys mummy again =^.^= *

*im really quite missingeveryone from college. both collages. the butts and solihull. going to the butts was a great experience. i got zero work done, smoked way too much weed with my friends and basically got away with murder (and setting a room on fire) before getting kicked off the course not once but twice. idiots shouldnt have let me come back really haha!! and i miss solihull because despite it all i made some really awsome friends like shiv, reece, lauren and all them lot, and i did get on wth alot of the work, it was interesting i fucking loved biology oh man i miss it :(*

*really wanna go play assassins creed. im a little bit hooked on this game now. its fit. tom got me rainbow 6 vagas 2 for my late birthday. but i dont like playing it on my own. assassins creed reminds me of staying at callums old house in bournmouth becuase i remember falling asleep on his sofa while he was playing it and all i couldhere were those funny accents "BASTARDO" in my sleep. it also reminds me of simon burdette because he would play it and make songs up "smoke bomb hidden blade hidden blade hidden blade" ect.

*im really quite pissed off about liann black. not only does she prevent me from seeing my best friend she alot chats alot of shit to me about things that she has either made up in her crazy little head, or things she knows nothing about. the girl needs a good slap and to be put in her place. i HATE her.

well im well and truely sleepy now so time to sign out, go for a ciggerette and go to bed i think. hopefully my mind will be a little more empty of this garbage now that its on here. hopfully i will sleep better. goodnight blogger. thankyou for letting me take my crap out on you :) 

Quotation.

“When we meet someone and fall in love, we have a sense that the whole universe is on our side. And yet if something goes wrong, there is nothing left! How is it possible for the beauty that was there only minutes before to vanish so quickly? Life moves very fast. It rushes from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds.”

― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

Just An Update Of The Last Couple Of Days...

Ive had quite a busy weekend. moving my bf and my friends houses into one house. its about time. theres been alot of pressure put on my relationship since my bf lost his house, mainly because he works a hell of a lot and its been difficult to stay with him while he has been sofa surfing for the last 9 months. so anyway Friday we started the move. it was quite successful. managed to get pretty much everything from his storage into the house and all Radburns stuff into the house too. that night we had a little house party. tom had been stressing about this for a couple of days as the new house isn't that big and there had been alot of people invited. it went well. not so many people showed up but still enough people for it to be a great night. everyone got thoroughly smashed. i took mdma and quite enjoyed the experience. not as much as i would of at a younger age though i recon. i think I'm getting to old for drugs now. that was more my kinda thing at 15/16. anyway nothing went wrong and despite being quite trashed me and tom didn't argue all night in fact we had a few secret moments together and shared a few private jokes, which is exactly the kind of thing i love.
the following morning was mental having to clean up but it wasn't too bad really. me and tom managed quite well clearing the place and then starting to unpack all his stuff.

omg just been well distracted by pixi lott on the tv NOM

Anyhow yeah just been unpacking pretty much all weekend and playing various games consoles with brad. and falling asleep next to the Mr in his own bed again, which has been a great change :) they are letting me get a cat at the house, and tom wants a dog. its all rather exciting :) yesterday work was standard. theres this man that keeps coming in and giving me the eye. he looks quite geeky only he has a skin head and tattoos. every time he comes in he progresses on how much he will talk to me. its quite embarrassing. I've still managed to keep out of doing the floor. inevitably it will have to happen soon. i think I've done it all of about 3 times at most. currently Kelly is doing it 3 times a week and is starting to moan about it. however she has said she is going back on a diet so hopefully she will appreciate the exercise lmao. she has such a huge bum but she doesn't need to go on a diet. considering she has had two kids she has a surprisingly nice figure. just that ass is gigantic. and she always wears leggings which go see through when they are stretched. sometimes when i bend down to pick up a plate her ass gets right in my face and i can tell what colour pants she is wearing. this disturbs me. my belly hurts, and I'm very sleepy recently. yesterday i found a nice sunny spot on the end of toms bed so i curled up for a nap. i felt like a kittycat  =^.^=  <3

the summer weather has gone again. the last couple of weeks has been quite nice and sunny. in fact the last weekend of September i got a suntan. it was great. but now i feel like its time to get a winter coat and gloves and thick socks and a hat. not like me. I'm usually in tshirts in winter. i wouldn't say its winter yet anyway. just autumn. theres lots of conkers :)

I can go from soppy to bitch in mere seconds.

Most the time i can feel it coming on too, being a hormonal female. Something men go on about not being able to understand. What they dont know is us girls dont quite understand it either. We can feel it coming on, because we go from normal to mentally fucking insane in a matter of a day or so. We get upset and angry for what seems like absolutely no fucking reason what so ever. Theres usually a reason for it though. Could be the most tiniest thing in the whole world. My problem is sometimes when im in this state, if there is nothing to get upset or angry over, i often create a problem so that i feel justified for this mental emotional blow out.
And this doesnt always happen just once a month when my hormones are flying all over the place.
Sometimes i wonder if im a manic depressive or still suffering from teenage angst that hasnt learnt to do one yet.
Ive been this way since i can remember, i dont remember hitting thirteen and life going POW your a teenager now, time to get mentally screwed up. Its just always been there.

Things that increase my bad moods 100000fold. -
Being ignored.
Being on my own.
Being hungry.
Falling asleep next to someone without getting spoons.
Sad but true.

But if you murdered life that day, then i murdered love.
- and now i have to live without it.

God saw u getting tired and a cure was not to be. So he put his arms around u and whispered "come with me" With tearful eyes i watched u, and saw u pass away. Although i loved u dearly, i could not make u stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke my heart to prove to me, he only takes the best.

Loss is such a fucked up thing.

Daniel Guy Patterson "Patty"

Rest in peace. xXx



When thinking something bad about something or someone, and im in a crowd of people, 
i often catch myself before doing so and think really hard "if anyone here can read my mind, please turn around and look at me..." if no one looks, then i carry on with my bad thoughts...

I am a wuss. Im insecure and shy and hate most aspects of myself and most things in people i feel threatened by. I long to be the opposite of this. I would love to be confident again. Happy with who i am. Be sure of what i want in life and how to get it.
Be able to think with my HEAD and not my HEART.
Its difficult. A lot of people don't seem to care about what they do and who they hurt. Im not sure i can ever be that person. Ive always tried to make other people happy before myself, maybe that's where i have gone wrong?? But i love to help people. Love to see smiles on peoples faces. Its my biggest downfall. Im a wuss. And as a result ive let people walk all over me, use me, cheat on me, hit me and generally take me for granted. So i put up this front. Its always been there, its a defence. Intimidating and angry?? Im not at all. Not all the time anyway =)

ANYWAY 

Today i scared my little sisters friends. It made me happy. She was 13 today. All her friends are as mad as her of course. My dad asked me what i thought of this whole new generation. To be honest they were all acting and talking the same and about the same things that me and my friends would go on about at 13 years old. One of her mates burst out with "EVERYBODY HAPPYDANCE!" .... my mind was blown. Me and sam used to happy dance at school in year 8. Another was going on about how cool jackass was and another was rapping to eminem. I remember mum buying me the Marshall Mathers ep when i was in year 6 and being OBSESSED with eminem. Ergh caught my sister flirting. Made me want to give her a slap. But then i thought back to when i was her age... yeah not worth thinking about. Was discussing this with my dad on the way home in the car. I think he just excepted that i was a wild child by that point. I got away with too much shit as a young teen. Drinking, smoking pot, underage sex. But that was the norm at the time. Maybe it still is. Really not worth thinking about. Hmm im hungry. Time for some food for thought. A sandwich.

golf is boring and mini golf is frustrating.

happinesss

listening to drum and bass feels like im falling into a trance.
what happens when i listen to trance??
im chatting shit, but i guess this is what this is for. 
my own benefit anyway.
argh im not feeling this, i may go treat myself to a nice sandwich seeing as i have managed to keep off the bread for about a week now. (not including burgers omg.)
then i shall see if i have any inspiration..

I'm not sure your meant to feed people like me after midnight... 

seriously though i hear a great way to loose weight is to stop eating after 8 o clock in the evening. coz everyone loves those night time snacks. im a sucker for sandwiches. AND CRACK according to my friend Jeshua. its not true. i don't enjoy crack cocaine. not even on weekends.

Today has been a positive day. Went to bed happy. Woke up happy. I love it when days like that come around. and im not gonna lie, they dont come about for me very often.


i think everything is just in your mind. i read this tiny book once called the little book of happiness. i found it while i was sunbathing whilst on holiday in Crete. It tells you how you should look at things and certain parts of it i have remembered and do use when needs be. or when i remember anyway.. im gonna have to fish it out.

"Stay in the moment! Happiness can only exist in the present...
In the here and now of your life.
Happiness only exists in the present moment.
And in the very place where you are.
This is a beautiful and simple idea. "

its been so long

i feel like im in that movie jamanji...
i can hear drumming and my bedroom light is flickering to the beat of the drumming. its quite freaky...

well its good to be back in the world of blogspot, it really has been years since i used this.
too much has changed to explain it all. well too many events have sucked me in and shat me out the other side i would have thought id have become a completely different person that the one i was when i was 16 years old. but no, reading back on my old blogs i dont think much has changed. im still shy inside and riddled with a depression that just wont go away.

im gonna make changes. i dont think it will make much of a difference.

i read a blog today that got me thinking alot about life.. how we only have a short one and what if our life was a movie or a book... would we be content with ourselves as we are the main character. what would we like to have happen in this story?

im gonna start living i think. ive been so so down recently ive been considering anti depressants again.
atm i would rather feel nothing that feel as bad as i do. but im going to start looking at my life. see what i can do to change things, try not to think about things as much as i do. try to live without hate or regret. live for myself and stop worrying so much about other people. chances are i wont know them in a few years time, and the ones i do still know wont remember the stupid things. so time to get a bit crazy.

saying that i just got back from a wicked holiday in cornwall. me my cousin and my friend who was over from germany went off for the weekend. it was great fun esp the last day we were there we made friend with the barmaid. we all got drunk and went skinny dipping in the sea late at night and the barmaid peirced my ears without me even thinking about it. this is what i want from life now. impulses and going through with them.

and on that note im gonna get out of my bed, go for a shower and go to town and meet some people.
coz ive done nothing but mope around all day. and i need some company.


not a very interesting or sophisticated first blog back but i dont care.

cherrio