i'm a sheep in wolves clothing...

When thinking something bad about something or someone, and im in a crowd of people, 
i often catch myself before doing so and think really hard "if anyone here can read my mind, please turn around and look at me..." if no one looks, then i carry on with my bad thoughts...

I am a wuss. Im insecure and shy and hate most aspects of myself and most things in people i feel threatened by. I long to be the opposite of this. I would love to be confident again. Happy with who i am. Be sure of what i want in life and how to get it.
Be able to think with my HEAD and not my HEART.
Its difficult. A lot of people don't seem to care about what they do and who they hurt. Im not sure i can ever be that person. Ive always tried to make other people happy before myself, maybe that's where i have gone wrong?? But i love to help people. Love to see smiles on peoples faces. Its my biggest downfall. Im a wuss. And as a result ive let people walk all over me, use me, cheat on me, hit me and generally take me for granted. So i put up this front. Its always been there, its a defence. Intimidating and angry?? Im not at all. Not all the time anyway =)

ANYWAY 

Today i scared my little sisters friends. It made me happy. She was 13 today. All her friends are as mad as her of course. My dad asked me what i thought of this whole new generation. To be honest they were all acting and talking the same and about the same things that me and my friends would go on about at 13 years old. One of her mates burst out with "EVERYBODY HAPPYDANCE!" .... my mind was blown. Me and sam used to happy dance at school in year 8. Another was going on about how cool jackass was and another was rapping to eminem. I remember mum buying me the Marshall Mathers ep when i was in year 6 and being OBSESSED with eminem. Ergh caught my sister flirting. Made me want to give her a slap. But then i thought back to when i was her age... yeah not worth thinking about. Was discussing this with my dad on the way home in the car. I think he just excepted that i was a wild child by that point. I got away with too much shit as a young teen. Drinking, smoking pot, underage sex. But that was the norm at the time. Maybe it still is. Really not worth thinking about. Hmm im hungry. Time for some food for thought. A sandwich.

golf is boring and mini golf is frustrating.